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May 26, 2003

by Larry Mahnken

After Jeter was injured on Opening Day, the Yankees went 25-11 until his return. Since his return, they have been 3-11. I think you can guess where I'm going here.

We must kill Derek Jeter.

Hey, I like the guy, but it's obvious that his presence on this team has ruined their rythym, and that the mere thought of his imminent return sent waves of panic through the team, as they went 3-5 in the games before his return. Bernie Williams and Nick Johnson were so eager to get away from his awful presence that they injured themselves in the days following his activation. Even the ball dreads him, as shown by it's proclivity for avoiding his glove. There can be no other explanation for his inablity to get to balls hit in his area, as he is clearly an excellent defensive shortstop, as evidenced by that play two years ago where he was out of position.

Oddly, one might think that the overwhelming desire to get away from Jeter would improve the Yankees offense, as players would seek to avoid returning to the dugout by getting on base. However, after some thought, I have concluded that their offensive impotence is clearly a result of the classic Yankees unselfishness. Obviously, getting on base would allow a player to avoid Jeter for several minutes, but it would increase the time that his teammates would have to suffer him in the dugout. Ending innings quickly forces Jeter into the field, where he is out of direct contact with the entire team. Truly, the Yankees are a TEAM.

So, to get the Yankees out of their slump, we must destroy The Rangeless One. It is our only hope.